The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
