He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize