I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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