You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
