My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
