he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
