Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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