I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
