My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
