i think my tv is drunk
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
