Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
