sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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