Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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