Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
