the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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