You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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