I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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