whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
