so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
