why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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