wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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