I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize