I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
