Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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