She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
