You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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