why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
