I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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