there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
