This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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