Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
