I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
