Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
