im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
