White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
