anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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