If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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