just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
