I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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