i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
