I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
