is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
