I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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