dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize