never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
