I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize