This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
