His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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