Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
