My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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