I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We are all done wearing pants today
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
