you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
