chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
