i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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