This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
