i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
