ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
